Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.

The new year is coming and with it the inevitable look at what I am doing with my life.  The last two years or so I have batted aside this instinct and decided that it was better to not look too hard at myself.  It was a wise choice I think, because I was doing what needed to be done and that was all that I was doing.  I was working third shift, trying to be a decent mom and wife, trying to take care of an ailing parent and get a little bit of ever elusive sleep.  Even though I liked the job that I had my life was a dogged march forward to get us through some tough times.  I gave up my writing, all college plans and refused to feel bad about it.  I still don't.  It was necessary and good, I feel a little proud to have survived it.

But now it is December 2012 and things have changed and settled into a nice comforting rhythm.  I have a different job that I have come to like even though it is not in a field of my choosing.  The schedule is fabulous and the company is really great to work for.  There is a free gym in the building and lots of nice coworkers to make the day go by nicely.  The kids are great.  The hubby is doing well and his work is picking up.  Everything is good.  ...yup.

Let me be clear, I have no complaints about current circumstances.  They are better than I would have dreamed two years ago.  But now that things are comfy and good I find that I am restless, sometimes cranky, sometimes grabbing a beer just to feel settled.  I don't feel confident in myself as a person and don't really think of myself as a person per say, more like as the body I am in that does stuff.  Not cool.

So here it is, December 29 and the new year looms.  What am I doing with my life?  Well, lots of good stuff!  But it's the things that I am not doing that tell the true tale of Rose.  I am not striving for a dream. I am not writing, not creating, not working toward a goal that is outside the normal and inside my soul.  I feel it and it is a major source of my frustration.

Problem identified, solution in progress.

First of all, I need to come out of hiding.  I shut myself off from all of my writing stuff because it was too frustrating and painful to feel that I was failing at finishing stories or missing out on web seminars and blogs.  So I just dropped it all.  Again, no regrets, but I need to get back into the world of writers and publishers on the web.  I need to participate and be a part of the group even if it's just by commenting on blog posts at first.

Second, I need to break out the stuff that I left unfinished, finish it and send it out.  I had such hopes and dreams for which agency I wanted and publishers I would like to work with.  Those hopes and dreams still apply, now I need to follow through.

Third, I need to remember to be proud of who and what I am right now.  No more coasting on the good times with no sense of self, I need to stand up straight and be me.  Because I am awesome.

So here goes, step one of step one is this post.  I need to just plain get back into getting my thoughts down in a (hopefully) clear way.  And since this blog actually started in 2009 (whoa) I think that it will be fun to have a history to look back on.  My journey in words and pictures.  My biggest hope and desire right now is to see that this continues.

And it will.

Because I rock.

:)