I'm a friendly introvert. It's equally common for me to be described as open, friendly, funny and a person that's easy to talk to as it is arrogant, standoffish and weird. Actually, even people who think that I'm friendly usually eventually get to weird, I just can't seem to escape that one. Not that I'd want to. I think that weird is usually a short hand way of saying that someone is unafraid of being who they are. If I like comic books and zombies (even though most zombie movies are too scary for me and I only read spoilers about them) but still claim that my favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice with Kiera Knightly, then so be it. If I can top most people with my knowledge of vitamins, exercise and healthy eating then say that I am 5 pounds away from obese because I just love pizza and beer too much, then what of it? I just jumped from one socially acceptable box to another instead of staying where I was. My response to people who don't like that kind of thing and lose interest in talking to me after tidbits like that is simply "Neener neener".
There is another thing that drives some of people crazy about me - I'm outwardly confident. Well, most of the time. I'm just like anyone else and have good days and bad day, times when I will grin and declare that I rock and times when I cry and insist that I am the worst wife, mom, friend, woman, human, carbon based life form in the world. But I usually save the insecurity for at home with just the hubby around and cling to my confidence when I'm out in the world. And why not? I am an intelligent, beautiful woman who has a great marriage and two wonderful kids that are thriving. I have every reason to walk with my head held high and so do most women. But I have noticed that very few do.
And those who don't are sometimes offended by me. At my last job two fellow employees went to the manager and asked that I be fired because I was an "arrogant bitch". It was two weeks in on a job that I had done before. I had kept my mouth shut to learn their procedure but jumped in to help on day one because I knew the job and saw no reason to sit by and watch. They took exception to the fact that I considered myself able to do the job that I had several years experience in. I had the audacity to think of myself as an equal when I had more experience than all but one of the women in my department. Did I think of myself as better? No. Did I question how they did things? Not unless I didn't understand. Was I arrogant? Looking back with total honesty...no. I was doing the job as I knew it and I had confidence in my abilities. Horrifying, I know but I'm weird that way.
Understand this, I'm not just concerned about how any of this affects me. I've got my standard "Neener neener" response and don't sweat the petty stuff. Or pet the sweaty stuff. But I worry for young girls and the fact that for many, the only examples that they see of 'confident' women are half dressed surgically enhanced sex toys on legs that dominate TV and movies. In real life those women are the opposite of confident since they starve themselves to be thin and get surgery to stay young. That's not self love or acceptance, that's eternally seeking the approval of people who don't even know you.
Here's a good example of what I mean about the examples that most girls get at home. Last night I went to a school function for the holidays at my daughter's school and we wore a matching set of deer antler headbands with little jingle bells and fluffy tufts in the front. It's silly and fun, but we were making gingerbread houses out of empty milk cartons and graham crackers so it seemed like a great idea. And it was - lots of kids pointed and laughed, my daughter hammed it up by shaking her head and it was an instant visual signal that the little girl sitting next to me was my daughter even though her warm brown skin is so different than my ghostly paleness. Good times!
At one point in the evening one of my daughter's friends came to our table and they hugged and squealed and acted like 5 year olds. After a little while the girl's mom came up and we started to chat. She was a perfectly normal woman wearing a holiday sweater and looking like the mother of two energetic girls. Nodding toward the area over my head she said that the antlers were cute and that she wished she could wear something like that. Good news! I told her, they are a buck for the pair at Dollar Tree. But she sadly shook her head and said that she had been called a cow in high school and could never wear anything with horns or antlers. Feeling a little desperate I told her that they also had snowmen headbands but she only shook her head again and informed me that only beautiful people like me could do things like that and walked off with her two girls who had heard the whole thing.
Let me tell you that I was as sad for her girls as I was for that mom.
I was raised with the example that it was my duty as a female to hate everything about myself. That accepting a compliment gracefully was "having a big head" and that your only hope in life was finding a guy who could look past your many feminine flaws and try my hardest to keep him. In middle and high school I wore clothes so big that I was asked more than once if I was hiding a pregnancy. I was told at times by students and even some family members that I was not very pretty and not very slim, which wasn't really a put down since it was always preceded by stating what a shame it was. Usually a thing about you that's a shame is not really your fault, it's just a shame that you have to bear that particular cross. At least that's how my young mind perceived it. Thank God.
The biggest factor in all of that was really seeing the women in my family and their example. They hated themselves and judging everyone around them, including me at times, was the best way to make them feel a little better. If you feel fat then make sure to point out people fatter than you. Or point out someone not as large as you and declare that you will never be as fat as that and watch the awkwardness levels soar! Not pretty enough, just check out the clown make up on that lady at the grocery store. Now describe it in greater and more elaborate detail to everyone you see for a few days. Because for those few days and those few conversations you are better than someone else in your own eyes and it's easy to fool yourself into thinking that the person hearing the story feels that same way.
What nonsense.
It took many years and a lot of looking at causes, fears, preconceived notions and ugly things inside of myself to realize that I am a human being just like everyone else and as such I have equal standing with others. This is the secret that confident people know. I have seen and known more than one person that was truly unattractive on any and all physical beauty scales. But when that person walked into a room and started talking they were seen and heard in a totally different way than even a physically beautiful person with no self esteem. (And there are a ton of those.) As a matter of fact, the longer I knew these people the more I realized that that I saw them as beautiful and would be hard pressed to point out physical imperfections. Confidence is amazingly beautiful, sexy and easy to follow when that person is a leader. It's a gift that is cultivated by seeing the world less as a group of people judging you and more as fellow inhabitants on a wonderfully varied and amazing planet.
This is the gift that a confident parent can give to their child. And one that is easily denied when you forget that no one who matters cares about how you look, they care about who you are.
