Finding happy...

I was surprised to find that it had been so long since my last post.  Summer is in full swing and when I'm not busy, I'm recovering.  A couple of times I went out to write for an hour or so and found that I just couldn't settle down enough to do it.  My brain is full of plans, guilt over stuff that I have put off, school supply lists, clothing inventory for the kids and grocery lists. 

 But underneath it all is my story.  

It would actually be nice if I could mentally put the story away for awhile, it's a little tiring to never have mental silence.  But this is a story that must be told, must be written.  She won't let me go no matter how hard I try.  Four times now I have written first chapters and it's never right.  She shakes her head and mutters that she isn't a Mary Jane that learns who she is only after death.  Also, she may not be from 1956.  Now she whispers of Tesla and crazy scientists, of the best deaths for a zombie to consume and why.  Also, we talk about love.  Who loves a zombie?  Why would a zombie bother with love?  What about the physicality of love?  I'm not all sure yet.  Well, I am sure of one thing - she absolutely will not let me get this wrong.  Her story will be told her way and she is willing to wait until the kids are in school and I have the proper amount of time to devote to her.  

But she won't wait silently.  That would be too easy....

I really hate doing what everyone else does....

Waiting to hear back from publishers, editors and agents is tedious business.  I haven't had a lot of opportunity to write so I've been reading.  A few books, none of them worth mentioning other than I will never pick up another book by LKH again.  There has also been the online conference Left Behind and Loving It hosted by Lynn Viehl.  As usual, I found that reading everyone's opinion on what I should be doing was old after awhile.  I hate that.  Even if people aren't telling me that I need to do it that way I start to feel like they are and get all upset.  It's important for me to pace myself in these things - my insecurities end up projecting onto other people and I feel judged.  (Hey, at least I know that it's an issue!)

Anyway, I was intrigued by the idea of self-publishing ebooks.  I might be trying to sell specific novel length stories, but short stories take less time to write and until I'm more popular no one wants them.  If I self publish for a couple of bucks per download - maybe that will help bridge this incredibly huge gap.  I think that's what I'm going to do.  Why not?  Most authors seem to publish print books or self publish.  A few offer free ebooks to readers, but they usually have print books that they want to hook you for.  So, I plan to shop the novels to editors and agents while self-publishing the short stories and then maybe offering them for free after I have published a few print books.  It just seems more proactive.  Plus I feel like the publishing business is being shook up and I want to take the opportunity to walk my own path.  

I just really hate doing what everyone else does.  : )

Where it's at...it's got supercool links and no sign on fees. (Sorry, Beck!)

This week is all about survival for me.  I'm a volunteer in the Vacation Bible School at our church.  Not my natural element, so my stress levels inch higher by the day.  Also, finances are getting closer to the critical point.  Put it all together and I am not always a ray of sunshine!

But one bright spot for me is the Left Behind and Loving It online conference hosted by the lovely Lynn Viehl.  It gives me lots of ideas and a bit of hope for my writing career.  I had originally planned on submitting something but that was before my friends tapped me for VBS.  There's always the weekend, so you never know.  Stranger things have happened.

Check it out if you have a minute.  But be warned- there are lots of interesting posts for you to read and your minute will likely turn into an hour or more.  : )

Today's picture is brought to you by my twisted sense of humor.  Enjoy!

Good stories are in the eye of the beholder.

Right now I am reading the newest book in a long standing series.  So far, it's a good read.  That's a huge relief because for the last seven books or so it has been hit or miss.  The main character went from beautiful but tough, with a huge temper and a sense of morals to a woman with eight boyfriends.  The author, of course, has made a case for her decline in morality and her expanded views on what love is and what sex means.  Those last seven books have suffered from the author's attempts to convince herself and readers that it's okay and that no one should judge her character harshly.  I got really tired of skimming and skipping sections.  Some I didn't even bother to finish.

My question is if the writer were so uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements that she was creating, why create them?  If it bothered her enough that she was going to spend entire books on the emotional upheaval that goes with it, why write it?  The last book published in this series was a non-book in my opinion.  Nothing happened.  A huge hardback book with no discernable plot, I kid you not.  It is amazing to me that the author was satisfied with it, the editor liked it enough to print it and the general public bought tons of copies.  It's the power of a famous name, but even that should only get you so far.  (I do however concede that many readers come to this series for the paranormal sex and the last seven books have been a treat to them.  No plot?  Who cares when there are several people rolling in a bed in with most of them in some kind of were-animal form.)

I have talked to others that have stopped liking the series but borrow it from the library to see if the old magic is back.  That's what I do.  I would never pay money for one of her books anymore.  This time, however the magic is back.  Hopefully the author will realize that this is what her readers want, not a spanish soap opera.  I mean, a good story is always in the eye of the reader, but at least give me a reason to read.  Action, intrigue, characters that I actually like.  If I want to read emotional drama I'll pick up a Jodi Picoult novel.  Nothing wrong with books like that, but if I buy from the Horror section there should be some actual excitement and scary stuff in it.

Anyway, I hope to never fall into this trap.  It's never a good idea to write for money without a love and enjoyment of the process.  I want to like what I write at the end of the day and it is important that I do.  However, I hope to never think so much of myself that I begin to work out personal issues and fantasies on paper and just assume that people should and will buy it because my name is on it.  I find it to be almost insulting when an author does that.  Not pushing the boundaries so much as going off in left field and staying there and expecting someone to build a concession stand next to them.  Arrogant.  

But then again, we'll see how arrogant I am when I've been writing for 20 years.  I'm sure that I'll spend my time in left field.  Hopefully someone will yell out to me to walk my tired old butt back to the game.  

Happier times means better writing for me.

As it turns out I am not one of those writers that needs to be wallowing in the depths of despair to write.  I mean, life has it's challenges and stresses, but writing is not my escape when the going gets tough.  No, when the going gets tough I bury my head in a book and get cranky with anyone silly enough to interrupt me.  Turns out, I write when I'm feeling pretty good.  I don't need extreme gut-busting happiness, but at least even keel average.  

This is important stuff to know as a writer.  Everyone works differently and it's good to know that if I'm feeling crazy with stress then I need to settle down before starring at a blank screen.  Blank screens are an opportunity when I'm doing well and a source of tears when I'm letting life get to me.

Sunday and yesterday I played with my family.  My hubby, who has been working non-stop for weeks, took a day off to go to the Toledo zoo with us on Sunday.  We were all a bit tired but it was tons of fun.  Yesterday was even better because it was so routine - well, routine for an average summer, not one like we've been having.  Last night after dinner we all hung out in the back yard.  The kids rode bikes and played with the dog, I weeded and talked with the hubby.  Life was so, so sweet.  

Moments like that are magic.  They are magic for family bonding, memories, raising good kids and, apparently, busting out of writer's block.  This morning my brain feels clearer, like stories are beginning to poke their heads out.  It's a glorious feeling.  I plan on setting my kids up with movies and writing as much as I can just for the pure joy of it today.  Maybe that's the secret, joy begets joy.  All I know is, I feel good and I'm going to write about it!

A dry spell.

I'm still waiting to hear back from anyone about my book.  That's normal, I suppose, but the unrealistic dream of having a frantic editor call begging me to sign a contract has died.  At best, they see that I can tell a story and are deciding if it's worth the trouble to help me pump up my story and the word count.  More likely I'll soon get a nice letter saying that they wouldn't mind seeing my work again but that their minimum word count is greater than my tiny 28,000.  

I will not get sad over a rejection that hasn't happened yet!  It's tempting, as the days go by it is very tempting to give it up.  But this is what I want to do.  Lucky me, I have picked a job that's tough on the ol' self confidence.  Huzzah!

The problem is that the longer I wait - and it hasn't even been an unusually long time, I'm just impatient - the more trouble I have writing.  The overflowing well with stories vying for attention has dried up and I can't get a single word down.  This post has taken forever and I had to start over once!  See what I'm saying?

It's upsetting, but it's not like I have a lot of time to devote to it anyway.  Besides, now I have decided to take some classes on grant writing.  That way, I can write for money before I write for money.

I should just plain set the idea in my mind that I will do no creative writing until after August when the kids are in school.  That's a depressing idea to me though.  I really love writing.  I love being swept up in a story and typing so hard that my fingers ache because I'm trying to get so much down so fast.  I love having a world that I created that welcomes me back and shows me things.  I miss it.  I am not enjoying this dry spell but I will enjoy the ride even more when the rains fall again.  I will throw my head back, open my mouth and take it all in with a laugh.