Maybe I was a bit hasty and naive when I came up with my plan for today. See, since Hubby broke that leg in October and I had missed a lot of writing time because of it, we decided that I could/should spend a night or two in a hotel alone.
That's right, three days and two nights with no kids, errands or chores - just me and a keyboard. Sounds like writing heaven, right? I mean, I had visions of all night writing sessions and looking adorably disheveled as I ordered more pizza to be delivered, barely looking up to see that the sun had gone down as I finished my revisions on Elemental.
Honestly, I liked that Hubby was willing to do it but had absolutely no intention of taking him up on it. Money is tight right now and I had put the money elsewhere. But then this afternoon two things happened that changed my mind. One, I had an epiphany about my main character. Even though the book centers on her I couldn't quite pin her down. But there I was fixing my hair and boom... Anything that happened after that was just bidding time until I could sit and write. My brain was full and churning with words, everything was coming together - I just knew it.
Second, I went to the blog for Marjorie M Liu and she said that she was going to be offline for the week while she wrote a book. Well, that could only mean that the universe was sending me a sign. Ignore the money and go write because you will succeed and then there will be more money anyway!
So here I am, thanks to Priceline.com and William Shatner. What I had not anticipated was the insane mental block that locked on as soon as I entered the hotel. All of that world building and plot untangling turned into thoughts of failure, fear and regret. I have sat here for almost an hour and not written word one in my story. It makes the negative emotions louder and I have to admit that I can't even remember half of what I had figured out this morning.
Well, the way that I see it these are the moments that show you who you are in life. I took a huge leap of faith here. Money is spent, Hubby sacrificed time with guy friends for watching kids, family time is on hold and I have done a thing that a non-writer would probably not understand. I feel exposed and challenged, humbled. So what am I going to do with that?
This TV here has cable and it's tempting to turn it on. Just watch one show to calm down. But will I really turn it off? We don't have cable at home and it would be really easy to have one show turn into four simply for the novelty. I can sit and read work done by other authors which would kill lots of time and make me feel justified for not writing since I can't write as well as that person. Yet.
Or I can use the advice that I have been collecting over the months and take a pick axe to my mental block. Whether I take it down stone by stone or blow it to bits with one good trick, I could put my energy into forward progress. No matter how slow it is, it would be the right direction and would keep guilt off of my list of negative emotions.
But attacking my self doubt is work. Creativity is work. Wallowing however, is easy. Complacency is simple and effortless.
I'm alone in a hotel and all I want to do is relax. Right?
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