Notes to moms of kids with autism. Pt. 3

The importance of mentoring.

I woke up this morning absolutely fried. There is a list of errands to be run and a meeting in less that an hour, plus a sick parent to visit. Needless to say, I didn't get any of it done yet. Sometimes you need to decide that just because writing and errands is done in the morning while kids are in school doesn't mean that it always has to be that way. I needed to veg this morning and for a long time nothing made me feel better. My head was just in a bad place and I was pretty determined that slime mold has more redeemable qualities than I do.

Here's what pulled me out of my funk at the last minute. I found a post that included a letter written by one of the creators of Ren & Stimpy, an old favorite of mine. The link is here. Apparently, a 14 year old who had done his homework and knew a lot about animation and the business just from reading on the internet (something that not everyone does before approaching pros), sent John a letter with some questions. In response, John sent him not only answers but a book and very specific advice and methods for developing the skills needed to make it in animation. That got me to thinking...

First of all, it reminded me of my interactions with Marjorie M Liu and Lynn Viehl, two professional writers who have given me their time, encouragement and advice. It has done me a world of good and will always be something that I remember and hope to emulate when I eventually succeed and have people ask me questions.

Also, it made me think about teaching and mentoring in life as a whole. As a friend to a wonderful 18 year old at my church there is definitely a mentoring aspect to our relationship even if it is unofficial. This thrills me because when I was in high school and college I had a few mentors, both official and unofficial, myself. It is important and so helpful when you are entering a new career, phase in your life or going through a unique event to talk with someone who has gone before you or who is smart enough to be a help. It's not that you can't figure stuff out on your own, but having a friend give you some insider tips or help make sense of issues that you struggle with is invaluable.

This made me think about the autism series that I have been working on. First of all, any parent is their child's first and most important mentor. We are there to guide, teach and gradually get them to a point where they can figure it out on their own. The more time you invest the better mentor you can be, even if your child has autism and most of the mentoring is nontraditional or nonverbal.

The thing about parenting is that it almost always puts parents, especially mothers since we are so social, into unofficial mentor relationships. We ask older mothers whose kids turned out well what their secret is and we talk about how to potty train or where to get cheap diapers. Friendship and mentoring relationships are a blended thing in most of life and when parenting, especially little ones, it's very apparent.

But what about the mom in your group whose four year old is not potty trained? She has little to say, right? Maybe that mom doesn't even hang with the other parents, which would be a shame but happens. Would an average mom have any advice for a parent whose child runs into the street with a smile on their face at age nine? Who does?

Parents of other children with autism do!

It is important for parents of children with autism to find their mentoring system. It's also important to have a general support system, people who love you and your kid just the way you are, but right now I mean mentors. For me, my son's teachers in his autism unit as of kindergarden were mentors. They could answer a lot of questions, give advice and point me in the direction of web sites or organizations where I could find what I needed. Also, I have a friend who is a special needs teacher and another who used to be a social worker - both have been invaluable in their support and wisdom. My struggles were not new to them and they had helped others get through them. I don't know what I would have done without them.

But these people did not just show up at my door. Hubby and I left the church that we had attended for years, met and married at, because they did not accept our son. We were asked if we were disciplining enough, pulled out of service because he wouldn't sit in story time and could not find a single place where we felt he was loved. But the day after our first visit to our current church, the head of the children's sunday school called and asked me if our son had enjoyed himself and if there was anything else that they could do to "make him feel loved". Well, I teared up and talked for an hour about our struggles and how much the call meant to me. Needless to say the decision to make it our new church home was an easy one.

Now some of you are not church going people so you will need to find other avenues for mentoring and support. First of all, talk to whatever organizations you are getting services through and ask for listings of support groups or respite providers. Go online and google your city name and autism services or support. The more local the group the easier it is to form good solid friendships because you live near each other and the groups tend to be smaller. Or start volunteering in your child's classroom, you should be anyway just to be involved and to learn from the teacher different strategies for dealing with teaching your child. When volunteering you generally get to form relationships with the teacher and are quite often able to meet other moms and some of them have older kids who also have special needs.

So get out there and make friends! There is no reason to do this alone. And remember that when your kid is older than it is your turn to be the mentor. Don't keep your insight to yourself, use it and then share it. Failure stories can be as helpful as success stories, so just share what you do and let people take what they will from it.

A note to all who already are the mentor moms: Thanks! And remember, when you are the one sharing your advice that dealing with autism is tough and we all do it different so don't be offended if people don't use what you know. What works can be as relative as what's normal! Just appreciate everyone's journey the same way that you want others to appreciate yours.