Three years ago we adopted our daughter from Haiti. It took us 18 months to bring her home and in that time I visited her twice for a week each time. When we first made the decision to adopt we were still in the first year or so of finding out about our son's autism. The first foster/adoption certification class was taken in that first year but the whole process from first class to our daughter being home was closer to two and a half years. So by the time she came home our son was five and still had very little language.
Some might have thought that we were crazy since autistic kids have so many issues with change. I do know of some people who would not want another child when the first requires so much of them and maybe that is the best choice for them. Myself, I was an only child and hated it so I had no intention of doing that to my son, autistic or not.
Here's the part about not underestimating your child - they understand more than you think and quite often can deal with more than you think. Case in point, our son accepted it as fact when we showed him a picture and said that he had a new sister but she lived in Haiti and loved her from day one. If anyone asked him if he had siblings he would answer yes and if we were at our house he would point to her picture. When she came home he ran and jumped and generally stimmed in his excitement that she was home. Playing with our son was the first thing that made her really relax. There are five years between them and he has been a gentle and loving brother from day one. Honestly, no mother could ever as for more in a sibling relationship, fights are rare and playing together is a daily occurrence. His language skills picked up quickly as she learned English and she is always encouraging him to try new things.
Since then our son has dealt with the death of a grandmother and beloved teacher, my cancer and done well in 40% mainstream schooling. He is amazing and if told the basics of a situation in simple terms can deal with these huge life issues better than he can someone turning a television of without warning him first.
So don't underestimate your child and don't try to hide life from them. Be smart about it and be more than age appropriate but don't shelter too hard. One of your goals as a parent is to enable them to live in the real world. Shit happens. Teach them how to deal just as you would any other child with being a good example and answering questions. They might never thank you for it but it is more than ample reward to watch them excel.
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Our daughter's old orphanage, a wonderful place where there are only two children per nanny, is in Port Au Prince and sustained damage in the earthquake. If you are interested, John, the man who runs the place with his wife Beth, is blogging as often as possible since all of us are on the edge of our seats with worry. Luckily, no one in the orphanage was injured and all of the children are safe! But it is estimated that there is at least $30-50,000 worth of damage and money is needed. To see the blog click here or donate money, please click on this link for Heartline Ministries. Thanks!
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