Notes to moms of kids with autism. Pt 1

It's going to be okay.

For this first post, let me talk to those moms who have just found out that their kid has autism or those who are still struggling with the idea even after some time has passed. There are so many things that I want to tell you, so many things that you will learn along the way. But first, as a mom with a high functioning but 'classic' kid with autism, let me give you a hug. Not a polite one but five seconds or more with a small rock to it. You need comforting by someone that's been there and I'm giving it to you. Enjoy. Cry if you want to, crying is part of the parent package.

Now, take a deep breath and settle yourself a little. Got get some tea. Because you need to pay a little attention and absorb a few truths. And you have to stop crying sometime.

1. It will be okay. I swear to you that no matter what level your child functions at it is still possible for things to be okay. They will be okay because of truth number two.

2. You can always make a new normal. Normal is a relative term. If you are one of those people who has spent your life concerned with what others think then this will be a harder concept for you. But if you go to any home, behind closed doors when it's just the family, you'll see that every family is different and yours is no exception. Whatever it is that makes day to day work for you and yours is your normal and you have a right to it. Never let anyone make you feel bad about your normal.

3. Try not to let the reactions of others dictate your actions and emotions. Are people shaking their heads at your four year old in a diaper? Do old ladies tell you that in their day kids were better behaved? Having a meltdown in a store with lots of people watching in apparent disgust or trying to get the attention of a security guard? Well, learn to put on metaphorical blinders. Focus on what your child needs and controlling your emotions enough to give it to them. Who cares if strangers watch or judge, it's not their job and they are rude for doing it. And if one of them is rude enough to actually say something out loud then you give them a little piece of your inner mama bear. Protect your child from the scorn of others with a succinct snippet, like "I'm sorry if he's disturbing you. He has autism and I'm trying to help him calm down." Or just ignore them. I do and it feels great.

4. Cry after the tantrum is done. Children with autism have a hard time with the emotions of others. The first and sometimes only thing that they understand is smile means good and frown means bad. If you are upset and crying then it'll be harder for them to calm down. Fake it till you make it is your mantra with tantrums. Act calm, talk calm, know your child enough to understand what they need if you can. But saving the tears for later will help things to move faster. I'm not perfect at this, no one is. If I've been screamed at for 20 minutes or more I cry, hands down, and it never helps. So trade with your husband if you have to (that's a great system that we use - only one of us gets yelled at at a time so the other can calm down), but try to be the calm that you want for your child. When it's over and they are watching TV like nothing happened then you go in the other room and sob. Don't forget to bring tissue.

5. Never be embarrassed by your child. This is related to numbers 2 and 3 but is very difficult for some adults to do. But let me tell you this, your child knows more than you think. They are just like any other child in that their view of themselves, especially when younger, comes primarily from how you view them. Ask yourself this: Do you cringe and try to hide your child as soon as the jumping, running and hand flapping starts or do you let it go if it's unobtrusive to those around you? Do you talk to your autistic child daily or help others try to talk with them - or do you figure that they have nothing to say and put your energy elsewhere? Remember, if your child were asthmatic you wouldn't be ashamed at their use of an inhaler to function. So don't be ashamed when your child uses self regulatory behaviors to function. It's part of his normal. Also, you would facilitate a child's use of an inhaler by buying and storing it and you should be a facilitator to your child with autism so that they participate in the social world around them as much as they are able.

5a. If you are embarrassed of your child's autism then their siblings will be to. Teach your other children by example that autism is part of your normal and that there is nothing wrong with it. Praise your autistic child's advances and personality just as much as your neuro-typical child's. Everyone is different and that's okay, it's a commonly known fact but one that is bigger and more meaningful in your family. Live it and you will teach it.

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I'll post more later. I want to cover some advice on marriage and school. But if you are visiting this blog and have friends with children who are autistic, please send them the link. It's my hope that people will find it helpful.

One more thing, for any who are new, here's a little about who I am - I'm almost 35 and have been married for 13 years this February. My son is 10 and has autism, he's biological. My daughter is 5 and neuro-typical, she is adopted from Haiti. We are a happy and loving family with a wacky sense of humor, so I just want to share some of the things that have worked for us. : )